It's been really busy at work lately, but I've had a few themes of thoughts swimming around my mind when I'm not thinking about work, kids, or cooking....but actually, these are now confessions, because I'm convicted in them.
1. Church. We left a church we'd been members of last year because of the LGBT political hate mongering the preacher suddenly started partaking in (a pretty influential figure in our city, which disappointed us). It was the last straw. We can't support that, neither ideologically nor through tithing. I wrote about it here, I think.
Anyway, we found another local church that has been great. It's a different denomination in the same religion, which more closely aligns with what my husband and I believe...and the kids are really liking their sunday school classes. However, for some reason I have started dreading, like full-on anxiety attack, dreading going there every time sunday rolls around. I have no idea why. The people are really nice. There is nothing about it that would justify my feeling this way. A couple of sundays in a row, I went in the car there with my family, but couldn't go in. My husband took the kids inside, and I went grocery shopping or for a walk. This last sunday, I actually made it inside....but by the end I was so on edge. Like, what is wrong with me? It's like that "sweating like a whore in church" feeling, but I'm not feeling particularly guilty....besides for any regular level of sin! But, what is regular sin, really...
2. The world. Keeping abreast of world news is like a double edged sword. On one hand, I feel like I have to know what is going on in the world. Being cognizant of that is important to me. On the other hand, the world is actually a terrible place, for the most part. Many times when I read the news, or listen to NPR, I have this feeling like, "how could I have been a vessel to bring kids into this world?" My coping mechanism is that idea of "be in the world, not of the world." If you don't know what pure evil I'm talking about, spend the next three days checking the news morning, noon, and night. You'll probably get that feeling soon after.
3. Facebook leave. I've been away from facebook for a half-year now. I don't miss it at all, but this weekend I re-activated for just 30 minutes so that I could check a group I was a member of regarding a young mom in our previous church with stage IV breast cancer....I just had to know how she was doing, but couldn't find anything online aside from that group. She's still alive and kicking, which I was really happy to see. However.....I was reminded about how much I dislike facebook by all the other crap that was on my news feed. I hate to admit, but I had forgotten about all those people that were in my past, but I have no relationship with. I was amazed as I scrolled through my news feed. Lots of babies born/new pregnancies. Lots of selfies. Lots of "shared" articles. Lots of engagements/marriages. Lots of "I'm on a trip, look at my food and friends". And....a few divorces even. Like, who cares? Deactivate!